this is basically the third blogspot i made since when i had one, no one was willing to make one before.
lately, there's A LOT that has been going through my head and honestly i don't know where to start. i guess i'll start from the past; now that i look back on my life, im pretty satisfied with life, but on the overall part, there sure was a lot of pros and cons. from the family struggles to death to the happy moments in life to now, i sure was a inncent messed up kid all at the same time. there's so much negativity in my life to now, now that i think of it, but oh well.
smile.
okay, that was that, now the future. i think i took a lot in life for granted. i remember when i was in fourth grade and i was listening to parents talk about how they watch their kids grow up in a heart beat, i didn't believe it. boy, was i wrong. it was quick. although living in the time; it wasnt, but now that i look back on how i was and now, i changed a lot. one thing that stayed the same was probably how i look at things. anyways, looking on now, i'm a freshman. wonderful. three more years of high school and i, as of right now, really strongly don't like it. it's beyond boring&gay. and i think its a long time til i graduate, at the same time it's not. growing up. time flies by quick. so quick, that im actually scared. i hate the fact that people are/am still going in and out of my life. i wish everything could stay still for a while.
smile.
next on the list, trust&believing.
when my sister said the friends you had back in middle school won't be the friends you have at the end of high school graduation. as much as i didn't want to believe it because i believed i was going to be different...i was wrong. i hate this. friends can backstab any minute. the friends i trust, that i vent to; can just stand there, nodd their heads, pretend to relate to me, pat my back, and honestly not give a shit. i guess when people said trust no one, they were serious. now, i don't know morals of mine to believe. i feel lost agian. terrific.
smile.
and the list continues.
eff this week, california state testing is the gayest test EVER. and as if getting grades from school and having parents looking down at kids wasn't enough of a disappointment. ever felt like you're never good enough ? well im right there with you. when i do feel like im actually good enough for something, something else always has to ruin that good feeling of mine. knowing that my mom would never be able to brag to her siblings about me being good at something, i feel guilty for it. they are freaking fob asians with brains. im just asian. i have a brain, just not their smarty pants brain. jeeez, stop trying to help me be smarter. just let me fuck it up and enjoy it. isn't that what parents truly want ? let their kids be happy. well all i feel right now is disappointment, one after another. i already know i am a big one, whatever.
smile.
than.....
listening to music. brings back so many memories. reminds of me so many thing. there were good times, but mostly bad times. just yesterday when i heard songs by teddy geiger and other songs i use to love, why the eff did i freaking tear up. im getting frustrated with how i tear up so easily over a song, yet the song didn't have a huge impact on me.
smile.
and last but not least, lying.
good time to lie is when you don't want people to worry or something. that means im doing the right thing !
i don't know, i guess im just confusing myself. i bet you're just reading this like wtf? what the heck is she talking about. well truthfully i dont want to explain this subject. i'll just let it be. ughhhh, owww. i feel like im getting stabbed and its hard to breathe. save me from myself ):
smile.
okay, well that was that.
time to live testing mode.
shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhit. what the hell am i going to do after testing. -____x
im going to be so effin bored. save me.
smile.
goodbye.
-michelle
